Wednesday, 12 August 2009
if only i were a rock...
Today, I felt a powerful, overwhelming force within me. I believe it was a small taste of enlightenment, or at least, I think it was... There is no word that can properly and fully express and describe what occurred today. It was an emotion, or perhaps, even a mindset, that I have never experienced before.
It had been a hot and heavily humid day, one that drained all energy from those exposed to it. Very often, a sensation was felt at every pore on my body, a light sting of sorts, as if small needles were being pushed in, and a head-rush followed. I felt, for a long time, that it was only a matter of seconds before I collapsed with my luggage strapped to my achingly sore and sweaty body.
Luckily, I shortly after found myself in an air-conditioned train that would drop me off merely a couple meters from home. During this period of time, where I was distractingly waiting to arrive at my destination, I reflected back on the vacation I had just came from. I could still vividly see the day I left, almost a month ago, replay in front of my mind’s eye as if it were a memory from only seconds ago. I felt this deep sadness envelop me whole, I felt drained and disappointed, that this summer, like all summers, was slowly, and finally, coming to a screeching halt.
I looked back at the times during my holidays where I just sat around doing nothing, wishing I was doing something... And now, I think to myself, I would give almost anything to relive this brief summer one more time as slowly as possible, as to take in every moment I failed to fully appreciate. There were other thoughts distracting me, ones that I won’t reveal for obvious reasons, and they ate at me like a pack of vultures having a go at a newly-found, fresh carcass. I hadn’t had these worrying thoughts for ages, well actually since around the time my vacation started, but now they had come back with a vengeance, ready to make up for the absence of anxiety over the past month.
Anyway, to get back to my main focus here, all this led to a point where I felt a surging, tranquil wave of calmness come over me. I asked myself ‘why was I so upset, why was I worried, why have I ever worried?’ Because I was too caught up in silly mental preoccupations that would not let me move forward. I realised that I had been fighting this unnecessary negativity within me for as long as I can remember. I had always analysed my behaviour, my desires, my qualities as an individual, all in all, I had always been working on improving my Self, fighting an uphill battle.
After a while, I hit a peak of distress, and thusly, I decided to not continue feeling this constant pressure of insufferable mental torment. I took it in. Learned to understand it, accept it as a variable in this limitless universe. As significant as rock or a divine being, I was all. I felt the unity, the peace within the unified fabric of space and time, that bounded all as a single entity. I laughed at myself for having thought such fears and worries. I took notice that I was following a consistent flow of emotions, happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment, etc, etc, etc, etc... happiness again. How did I know such sentiments had ever taken place, if I was feeling as happy as a clam now. I saw I was already half-way there. That’s when I realised that thoughts controlled the notion of time. When I used to wait impatiently I suffered because I only expected to wait, uncomfortably and inconveniently, a waste of my time. How silly. It was all happening in one fell swoop. We look back on our lives and think ‘how the years have flown by.’ I’ve been alive for a little over 18 years now, and I remember each year like it were happening now. I remember the plane ride back home that occurred only hours ago, a trip I spent the entire journey dreading, and now it had passed. Like everything: Swoop. Over.
Unfortunately, I lost the peace I had found within me, though. I saw myself finally whole and I started thinking ‘how do I continue to be in this mindset,’ at that very instant I felt nothing, just a rush of disappointment. I got off the train and walked home, in absolutely no hurry at all, and came to recognise ‘I’ve always been at peace, it’s not about how-to-be, but about just being.’ Those that cannot speak cannot fall into the illusion of the universe that words have created, for if one disassociates meaning from these dead symbols we use as a language to express every sentiment, all that is abstract and concrete, nothing will and can be definable, it will only be felt as an entity.
Although I have surely not even closely obtained this ‘nirvana’ I feel as if slight progress has been made. If only I were a rock then I would not seek to be for I already Am.