if only i were a rock...

if only i were a rock...

Today, I felt a powerful, overwhelming force within me. I believe it was a small taste of enlightenment, or at least, I think it was... There is no word that can properly and fully express and describe what occurred today. It was an emotion, or perhaps, even a mindset, that I have never experienced before.

It had been a hot and heavily humid day, one that drained all energy from those exposed to it. Very often, a sensation was felt at every pore on my body, a light sting of sorts, as if small needles were being pushed in, and a head-rush followed. I felt, for a long time, that it was only a matter of seconds before I collapsed with my luggage strapped to my achingly sore and sweaty body.

Luckily, I shortly after found myself in an air-conditioned train that would drop me off merely a couple meters from home. During this period of time, where I was distractingly waiting to arrive at my destination, I reflected back on the vacation I had just came from. I could still vividly see the day I left, almost a month ago, replay in front of my mind’s eye as if it were a memory from only seconds ago. I felt this deep sadness envelop me whole, I felt drained and disappointed, that this summer, like all summers, was slowly, and finally, coming to a screeching halt.

I looked back at the times during my holidays where I just sat around doing nothing, wishing I was doing something... And now, I think to myself, I would give almost anything to relive this brief summer one more time as slowly as possible, as to take in every moment I failed to fully appreciate. There were other thoughts distracting me, ones that I won’t reveal for obvious reasons, and they ate at me like a pack of vultures having a go at a newly-found, fresh carcass. I hadn’t had these worrying thoughts for ages, well actually since around the time my vacation started, but now they had come back with a vengeance, ready to make up for the absence of anxiety over the past month.

Anyway, to get back to my main focus here, all this led to a point where I felt a surging, tranquil wave of calmness come over me. I asked myself ‘why was I so upset, why was I worried, why have I ever worried?’ Because I was too caught up in silly mental preoccupations that would not let me move forward. I realised that I had been fighting this unnecessary negativity within me for as long as I can remember. I had always analysed my behaviour, my desires, my qualities as an individual, all in all, I had always been working on improving my Self, fighting an uphill battle.

After a while, I hit a peak of distress, and thusly, I decided to not continue feeling this constant pressure of insufferable mental torment. I took it in. Learned to understand it, accept it as a variable in this limitless universe. As significant as rock or a divine being, I was all. I felt the unity, the peace within the unified fabric of space and time, that bounded all as a single entity. I laughed at myself for having thought such fears and worries. I took notice that I was following a consistent flow of emotions, happiness, sadness, excitement, disappointment, etc, etc, etc, etc... happiness again. How did I know such sentiments had ever taken place, if I was feeling as happy as a clam now. I saw I was already half-way there. That’s when I realised that thoughts controlled the notion of time. When I used to wait impatiently I suffered because I only expected to wait, uncomfortably and inconveniently, a waste of my time. How silly. It was all happening in one fell swoop. We look back on our lives and think ‘how the years have flown by.’ I’ve been alive for a little over 18 years now, and I remember each year like it were happening now. I remember the plane ride back home that occurred only hours ago, a trip I spent the entire journey dreading, and now it had passed. Like everything: Swoop. Over.

Unfortunately, I lost the peace I had found within me, though. I saw myself finally whole and I started thinking ‘how do I continue to be in this mindset,’ at that very instant I felt nothing, just a rush of disappointment. I got off the train and walked home, in absolutely no hurry at all, and came to recognise ‘I’ve always been at peace, it’s not about how-to-be, but about just being.’ Those that cannot speak cannot fall into the illusion of the universe that words have created, for if one disassociates meaning from these dead symbols we use as a language to express every sentiment, all that is abstract and concrete, nothing will and can be definable, it will only be felt as an entity.

Although I have surely not even closely obtained this ‘nirvana’ I feel as if slight progress has been made. If only I were a rock then I would not seek to be for I already Am.

it's the thought that counts

Time for Revolution: ‘We must blink to see the world in a different light.’

At this point, even the truth lacks truth. Centuries have faded away and we continue lost in our own frenzy. As humans we have become the judgers of right and wrong, as if we are in any position to make that decision. Everyday I look out my window and I see the downhill path humanity has chosen: the tall buildings, the enterprises, the pipes, the lights, and the fire that keeps our city going. Our entire way of living has been built around concepts like time and money.

I bring this up not to put down mankind but to enlighten it. Like a cloud in the sky we each see something different until someone points out another way of looking at. Sadly to say we have all chosen to see the same way. It has now become a habit among humans to categorize things, to classify them under ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and ‘truth’ or ‘lie.’ Funny enough, as a race we question how to obey something more than why we should obey it. Our race’s greatest strength is actually our greatest weakest: adaptation. The ability to adapt has made us question so little when there is so much to ask. It’s because we are so use to the way we are raised that there is no need to question it, but we must take a step outside that line of thinking and evolve.

For example: time. We are so use to following a schedule our entire lives that most individuals believe in its existence. But when you take a step back and think about it, does it really exist? No, of course, it’s just a concept. Time can only exist in association to something. If something can only exist in associate to something else than it has no real independent existence. Outside the idea of itself, it does NOT exist.

Appointments, the school bells, our morning alarms, roads, airplanes, all these things have been created to support a concept, to create a purpose for it’s dependent existence, to make us forget that, in entity, it means nothing. Time is money, and money is time. People suffer because of an idea we are too afraid to let go. Because there are no other ways of living these days, if you do not follow the crowd you lag behind and become unsuccessful. What ever happened to ‘live and let live’?

Take the story of Cain and Abel, as another example. A story from the ‘holy’ bible itself. From a different perspective we can see the story in a new light. The same way we read mythology must be applied to the way we read the bible. They merely serve as representations to explain what happened. Cain and Abel are NOT two different individuals, but rather two different groups of people. Cain: the first agriculturalists, and Abel: the nomads who had chosen to continue living as they had for centuries. Cain offers what he has cultivated to the ‘lord,’ as does Abel. Cain offers him his harvest and Abel offers him an animal (a lamb, apparently). God tells Cain he prefers Abel’s gift. So in response, Cain invites Abel and kills him. This story, taken out of it manipulated religious context, is actually about the persecution of nomads done by the agriculturalists, who were probably the first settlers of the Fertile Crescent at the time. Whether my perception of the story is ‘right’ or not, changes nothing. Now we have a religion that has taken stories from the nomads and turned them into stories of their own faith. Ironically, the story just goes to show how mankind persecutes people that do not follow their way of living. The nomads did not persecute the agriculturists, for it is not ‘which method is the right one to follow’, but rather ‘what works for the individual.’

Example. First you are born. You are nurtured, raised, and fed. Less than six years after your birth you are sent to school. During your time in school, you will become TWICE the adapter your folks were. Grades will slowly start to matter, and competition between classmates begins. Your parents will then tell you to work hard because if you do your life will be great, you will have a proper education and a good job that pays well. So basically, you dedicate your life to working hard in school so that one day (‘hopefully’) you can be paid around 100,000 DOLLARS a year, in concept.

‘A poor man and rich man are the same dead: a man.’

Need I even mention the ‘Economic Crisis’ we are having? A gift from ourselves perhaps? I guess it’s the thought that counts.